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The Story of AK-wielding Russian Hitler

Jun 22 2010 07:15 | 10 Comments

The Story of AK-wielding Russian Hitler 01

Quite often Santa and I go out in the middle of the night for a drive, which usually, is quite a fun alternative to sitting on your rear and/or sleeping. While we of course could go driving around in circles around some overly rich and stuck-up neighborhoods, we find it a ton more fun to go to places which are more... creepy if you want to call them that. Now, lets see, what's the creepiest place we could go around here... hmm... Oh, how about the city with one of the highest crime rates in all of United States, with half of it laying in ruins, being burned down, run down, drugged up to hell or a combination of all of those.

A few days back, as we usually do, we were driving around Detroit, at around 2 in the morning, obviously doing nothing wrong when all of the sudden we see an unmarked cop car flying out behind us and turning on the blinkers. Typically, when police pulls you over they first sit in their car for a few minutes checking your license plate, and other misc information, then only do they walk up, ask for your license, vehicle registration etc, which is followed by another 5-10 minutes of them sitting around in their car and you just being stuck there waiting for them.

This time however, quite a different procedure. The moment we came to a stop, 3 guys run out of the cop car, surround our car and with flashlights shining in our eyes start telling screaming at us to get out of the car. Ok... best not to try to argue with 3 screaming guys, each of which has a couple of loaded guns.

As soon as we get out, one of the cops starts giving me a speech, in what you may call a very loud tone of voice, about how the only reason in hell that 2 white kids, in a decent car, are in the middle of Detroit, at 2 am, is if we're either buying drugs, or selling drugs, but either way, no matter what there must be drugs on us if we're in Detroit. He then proceeds to telling me, and I quote, "If I find any *insert a list of some street names for random drugs here* either on you or in your car, I will handcuff you, tie you up, beat you, throw you in the back of the car, and take you to prison". After which he tells me to put my hands on the hood of the cop car and proceeds to feel me up "check me for drugs".

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If I may just pause here for a second to ask you guys a question... What kind of a retarded and dickheaded drug dealer would be driving around in a white Audi with a "MEOWDI" license plate... Kinda defeats the whole purpose of not getting noticed, wouldn't you think? But back to the cops...

Meanwhile, while I'm being felt up, another cop is talking to Santa separately. This cop... well, he was fat to say the least, probably a good 300 pounds, honestly don't see how he could even wear a bulletproof vest being that size, but enough about his overweight rear. First of all, he starts the conversation with, get this "I don't speak English", right after which he proceeds to tell something to another cop, in perfect English American. Come on, if you're gonna be full of shit, at least keep your damn act consistent... After that just starts asking all the typical "what are you doing here", "do you know how dangerous this is" etc crap. Yes sir, both of us have unfortunately lived here for over a decade, we know exactly how shit this shit really is.

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After the cop is done feeling me up, he proceeds to trying to make me, I guess, feel bad, with crap along the lines of "what the fuck is wrong with you, why are you taking her to such places" and "do you know how dangerous this really is". Again sirs, yes, we know.

Either way, this circus goes on for 15-20 minutes during which time the car gets searched, and instead of drugs, what do they find? Wait for it, wait for it... A dog bed in the truck, a bunch of cat food, some leashes, a dog harness, and a 20-some inch machete in one of the doors. Obviously in terms of drugs, they don't find a thing. The only thing they give us shit for is the machete, and that's only because it's not laying around in the trunk and therefore can be considered a concealed weapon.

After the cops give up on trying to bust us for drugs they start telling us horror stories about how eventually we'll get rear-ended, a bunch of thugs will run up to us with AK47's, will shoot us in the head and our raped corpses will be laying in some back alley where the cops will find us and will go "oh shit!". But that's not all, now, the highlight of this whole incident, and again, I quote them...

"You will get killed here, then we'll have to be explaining to your parents how this happen, and it will be all over the national news, and then Russia will get a hold of it, go wtf, and we'll have the next Hitler".

Now you may ask, what's the moral of all of this? Apparently its the following, it's illegal to be in Detroit if you're either white, not selling drugs, or not driving a pimped Monte Carlo w/ 30" rims with spinners. Also Hitler was Russian and he will come back to power if some white kids get shot an raped in Detroit.

Welcome to the Motor City.

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